 |
California Fours Makes You Think |
|
|
|
California Fours Makes You Think |
|
Select from the list below
A husband takes his wife to play her first game of golf. Of course, the wife promptly hacked her first shot right through the window of the biggest house adjacent to the course.
The husband cringed, "I warned you to be careful! Now we'll have to go up there, find the owner, apologize and see how much your lousy drive is going to cost us."
So the couple walked up to the house and knocked on the door. A warm voice said, "Come on in."
When they opened to door they saw the damage that was done: glass was all over the place, and a broken antique bottle was lying on its side near the broken window.
A man reclining on the couch asked, "are you the people that broke my window?"
"Uh...yeah, sir. We're sure sorry about that," the husband replied.
"Oh, no apology is necessary. Actually I want to thank you. You see, I'm a genie, and I've been trapped in that bottle for a thousand years. Now that you've released me, I'm allowed to grant three wishes. I'll give you each one wish, but if you don't mind, I'll keep the last one for myself."
"Wow, that's great!" the husband said. He pondered a moment and blurted out, "Id like a million dollars a year for the rest of my life."
"No problem," said the genie. "You've got it, it's the least I can do...and I'll guarantee you a long, healthy life! And now you, young lady, what do you want?" the genie asked.
"I'd like to own a gorgeous home complete with servants in every country in the world," she said.
"Consider it done," the genie said. "And your homes will always be safe from fire, burglary and natural disasters!"
"And now," the couple asked in unison, "what's your wish, genie?"
"Well, since I've been trapped in that bottle and haven't been with a woman in more than a thousand years, my wish in to have sex with your wife."
The husband looked at his wife and said, "Gee, honey, you know we both now have a fortune, and all those houses, "what do you think?"
She mulled it over for a few moments and said, "you know, you're right. Considering our good fortune, I guess I wouldn't mind, but what about you, honey?"
"You know I love you sweetheart," said the husband. "I'd do the same for you!" So the genie and the woman went upstairs where they spent the rest of the afternoon enjoying each other.
The genie was insatiable. After about three hours of being together, the genie rolled over and looked directly into her eyes and asked, "how old are you and your husband?"
Why, we're both 35," she responded breathlessly.
"NO S**T. Thirty-five years old and both of you still believe in genies?"
Bill Vest likes this Video
Watch this interesting short movie by clicking here
Here are some actual logged maintenance complaints and problems known as "squawks", submitted by QUANTA'S pilots along with the solution recorded by maintenance engineers. By the way, Quanta's is the only major airline that has never had an accident.P = The problem logged by the pilot.
SO = The solution and action taken by the engineers.
P = Left inside main tire almost needs replacement
SO = Almost replaced left inside main tire.
P = Test flight OK, except autoland very rough.
SO = Autoland not installed on this aircraft.
P = No.2 propeller seeping prop fluid.
SO = No. 2 propeller seepage normal. No 1,3 & 4 propellers lack normal seepage.
P = Something loose in cockpit.
SO = Something tightened in cockpit.
P = Dead bugs on windshield.
SO = Live bugs on backorder.
P = Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200fpm descent.
SO = Cannot reproduce problem on ground.
P = Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
SO = Evidence removed.
P = DME volume unbelievably loud.
SO = DME volume set to more believable level.
P = friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
SO = That's what they're there for!
P = IFF inoperative.
SO = IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.
P = Suspected crack in windscreen.
SO = Suspect you're right.
P = Number 3 engine missing.
SO = Engine found on right wing after brief search.
P = Aircraft handles funny.
SO = Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.
P = Target radar hums.
SO = Reprogrammed target radar with words.
P = Mouse in cockpit.
SO = Cat installed.
Here are some excerpts from a recent golfing outing.Golfer: "Think I'm going to drown myself in the lake."
Caddy: "Think you can keep your head down that long?"
Golfer: "I'd move heaven and earth to break 100 on this course."
Caddy: "Try heaven, you've already moved most of the earth."
Golfer: "Do you think my game is improving?"
Caddy: "Yes sir, you miss the ball much closer now."
Golfer: "Do you think I can get there with a 5 iron?"
Caddy: "Eventually."
Golfer: "You've got to be the worst caddy in the world."
Caddy: "I don't think so sir. That would be too much of a coincidence."
Golfer: "Please stop checking your watch all the time. It's too much of a distraction."
Caddy: "It's not a watch - It's a compass."
Golfer: "How do you like my game?"
Caddy: "Very good sir, but personally, I prefer golf."
Golfer: "Do you think it's a sin to play on Sunday?"
Caddy: "The way you play, sir, it's a sin any day."
Golfer: "This is the worst course I've ever played on."
Caddy: "This isn't the golf course. We left that an hour ago."
Golfer: "That can't be my ball, it's too old."
Caddy: "It's been a long time since we teed off, sir.".
Golfer: "That's the worst game of golf I have ever played in my life."
Caddy: "Oohh, I didn't know you had played the game before?"
A young man named John received a parrot as a gift. The parrot had a bad attitude and an even worse vocabulary. Every word out of the bird's mouth was rude, obnoxious and laced with profanity.
John tried and tried to change the bird's attitude by consistently saying only polite words, playing soft music and anything else he could think of to "clean up" the bird's vocabulary. Finally, John was fed up and he yelled at the parrot. The parrot yelled back. John shook the parrot and the parrot got angrier and even ruder.
John, in desperation, threw up his hand, grabbed the bird and put him in the freezer.
For a few minutes the parrot squawked and kicked and screamed. Then suddenly there was total quiet. Not a peep was heard for over a minute. Fearing that he'd hurt the parrot, John quickly opened the door to the freezer.
The parrot calmly stepped out onto John's outstretched arms and said "I believe I may have offended you with my rude language and actions. I'm sincerely remorseful for my inappropriate transgressions and I fully intend to do everything I can to correct my rude and unforgivable behavior."
John was stunned at the change in the bird's attitude. As he was about to ask the parrot what had made such a dramatic change in his behavior, the bird continued by asking the question,
"May I ask what the turkey did?"
Some Things You May Not Know
The first couple to be shown in bed together on prime time TV were
Fred and Wilma Flintstone.
Every day more money is printed for Monopoly than the US Treasury.
Men can read smaller print than women can; women can hear better.
Coca-Cola was originally green.
It is impossible to lick your elbow.
The state with the highest percentage of people who walk to work: Alaska!
The percentage of Africa that is wilderness: 28% (now get this...) The percentage of North America that is wilderness: 38%
The cost of raising a medium-size dog to the age of eleven: $6,400
The average number of people airborne over the US any given hour 61,000
Intelligent people have more zinc and copper in their hair.
The world's youngest parents were 8 and 9 and lived in China in 1910.
The youngest pope was 11 years old.
The first novel ever written on a typewriter: Tom Sawyer.
Those San Francisco Cable cars are the only mobile National Monuments.
Each king in a deck of playing cards represents a great king from history:
Spades - King David,
Hearts - Charlemagne,
Clubs -Alexander, the Great
Diamonds - Julius Caesar
111,111,111 x 111,111,111 = 12,345,678,987,654,321
If a statue in the park of a person on a horse has both front legs in the air, the person died in battle. If the horse has one front leg in the air the person died as a result of wounds received in battle. If the horse has all four legs on the ground, the person died of natural causes.
Only two people signed the Declaration of Independence on July 4th, John Hancock and Charles Thomson. Most of the rest signed on August 2, but the last signature wasn't added until 5 years later.
"I am." is the shortest complete sentence in the English language.
Hershey's Kisses are called that because the machine that makes them looks like it's kissing the conveyor belt.
Q. What occurs more often in December than any other month?
A. Conception.
Q. Half of all Americans live within 50 miles of what?
A. Their birthplace
Q. Most boat owners name their boats. What is the most popular boat name requested?
A. Obsession
Q. If you were to spell out numbers, how far would you have to go until you would find the letter "A"?
A. One thousand
Q. What do bulletproof vests, fire escapes, windshield wipers, and laser printers all have in common?
A. All invented by women.
Q. What is the only food that doesn't spoil?
A. Honey
Q. There are more collect calls on this day than any other day of the year?
A. Father's Day
Q. What trivia fact about Mel Blanc (voice of Bugs Bunny) is the most ironic?
A. He was allergic to carrots.
Q. What is an activity performed by 40% of all people at a party?
A. Snoop in your medicine cabinet.
In Shakespeare's time, mattresses were secured on bed frames by ropes. When you pulled on the ropes the mattress tightened, making the bed firmer to sleep on. Hence the phrase "good night, sleep tight".
It was the accepted practice in Babylon 4,000 years ago that for a month after the wedding, the bride's father would supply his son-in-law with all the mead he could drink. Mead is a honey beer and because their calendar was lunar based, this period was called he honey month we know today as the honeymoon.
In English pubs, ale is ordered by pints and quarts. So in old England, when customers got unruly, the bartender would yell at them mind their own pints and quarts and settle own. It's where we get the phrase "mind your P's and Q's"
Many years ago in England, pub frequenters had a whistle baked into the rim or handle of their ceramic cups. When they needed a refill, they used the whistle to get some service. "Wet your whistle" is the phrase inspired by this practice.
In Scotland, a new game was invented. It was entitled Gentlemen Only Ladies forbidden.... and thus the word GOLF entered into the English language.
At least 75% of people who read this will try to lick their elbow...Did you?
A blonde owned a small business that she was about to lose, so she went to the church and prayed:
“God, if I don't win the lotto, I will lose my business.”
She didn't win.
So the next day she was about to lose her business and her car. She went to the church to pray:
“God, if I don't win the lotto, I will lose my business and my car.”
Still, she didn't win.
So the next day she was about to lose her business, her car and her house. She went to the church to pray:
“God, if I don't win the lotto, I will lose my business, my car and my house.”
Suddenly the blonde was surrounded by a blinding white light, and she heard the booming voice of God declare,
“Buy a ticket!!!”
The Stupid Test
OK. Pay close attention. Here is a very simple little test comprised of four easy questions to determine the level of your intellect. See if you have what it takes to be considered "smart." Your replies must be spontaneous and immediate, with no deliberating or wasting of time. And no cheating!
On Your Mark, Get Set, Go...
Question #1:
You are competing in a race and overtake the runner in second place.
In which position are you now?
ANSWER:
If you answered that you're now in first, you're wrong!
You overtook the second runner and took his place,
therefore you are now in second place.
For the next question try not to be so dim.
Question #2:
If you overtake the last runner, what position are you now in?
ANSWER:
If you answered second to last, you are wrong once again. Think about it...How can you overtake the person who is last? If you're behind them, they can't be last. You would have been last. It would appear that thinking is not one of your strong points. Anyway, here's another question to try. Don't take any notes or use a calculator, and remember, your replies must be instantaneous.
Question #3:
Take 1000. Add 40. Add another 1000.
Add 30. 1000 again. Plus 20.
Plus 1000. And plus 10.
What is the total?
ANSWER:
5000? Wrong again!
The correct answer is 4100.
Try again with good calculator.
Today is clearly not your day,
although you should manage to get the last question right...
Question #4:
Marie's father has five daughters:
Chacha Cheche Chichi Chocho ?????
Question:
What is the fifth daughter's name?
Think quickly...you'll find the answer below...
ANSWER:
Chuchu?
WRONG!
It's obviously Marie!
Read the question properly.
HOW TO IMPRESS A WOMAN.
* Wine her,
* Dine her,
* Call her,
* Hug her,
* Support her,
* Hold her,
* Surprise her,
* Compliment her,
* Smile at her,
* Listen to her,
* Laugh with her,
* Cry with her,
* Romance her,
* Encourage her,
* Believe in her,
* Pray with her,
* Pray for her,
* Cuddle with her,
* Shop with her,
* Give her jewelry,
* Buy her flowers,
* Hold her hand,
* Write love letters to her,
* Go to the end of the Earth and back again for her.
HOW TO IMPRESS A MAN
* Show up naked ...
* Bring food ...
* Don't block the TV ...
For those with No children - this is funny.
For those who already have children past this age - this is hilarious.
For those who have children at this age - this is not funny.
For those who have children nearing this age - this is a warning.
For those who have not yet had children - this is a form of birth control!
- A king size waterbed holds enough water to fill a 3 bedroom house about 4 inches deep.
- If you spray hair spray on a nylon duster and then run over it with roller skates / blades, they can ignite.
- A 3-year olds voice is louder than 200 adults in a crowded restaurant.
- If you hook a dog leash over a ceiling fan, the motor is not strong enough to rotate a 42 pound boy wearing Batman underwear and a Superman cape. It is strong enough, however, if tied to a paint can, to spread paint on all four walls of a large room.
- You should not throw balls up when the ceiling fan is on, using the ceiling fan as a bat, you have to throw the ball up a few times before you get a hit. A ceiling fan can then hit a ball a long way.
- The glass in windows (even double-glazed) doesn't stop a ball hit by a ceiling fan.
- When you hear the toilet flush and the words "uh oh," it's already too late.
- Brake fluid mixed with Bleach makes smoke, and lots of it.
- A six-year old can start a fire with a flint rock even though a 36-year old man says they can only do it in the movies.
- Certain bits of Lego will pass through the digestive tract of a 4-year old.
- Play dough and microwave should not be used in the same sentence.
- Super glue is forever.
- No matter how much Jelly you put in a swimming pool you still can't walk on water.
- Pool filters do not like Jelly.
- VCR's do not eject toasted sandwiches even though TV commercials show they do.
- Rubbish bags do not make good parachutes.
- Marbles in petrol tanks make lots of noise when driving and are very expensive to remove.
- You probably do not want to know what that smell really is.
- Always look in the oven before you turn it on. Plastic toys do not like ovens.
- The average response time for the fire brigade is about 20 minutes.
- The spin cycle on the washing machine does not make earthworms dizzy.
- It will, however, make cats dizzy.
- Cats throw up twice their body weight when dizzy.
- The mind of a 6-year old is a wonderful and amassing thing.
- 60% of men who read this will try mixing the bleach and brake fluid.
Today we mourn the passing of a beloved old friend, Mr. Common Sense. Mr. Sense had been with us for many years. No one knows for sure how old he was since his birth records were long ago lost in bureaucratic red tape.
He will be remembered as having cultivated such value lessons as knowing when to come in out of the rain, why the early bird gets the worm and that life isn't always fair. Common Sense lived by simple, sound financial policies (don't spend more than you earn) and reliable parenting strategies (adults, not kids, are in charge).
His health began to rapidly deteriorate when well intentioned but overbearing regulations were set in place. - Reports of a six-year-old boy charged with sexual harassment for kissing a classmate; teens suspended from school for using mouthwash after lunch; and a teacher fired for reprimanding an unruly student, only worsened his condition.
Mr. Sense declined even further when schools were required to get parental consent to administer aspirin to a student; but, could not inform the parents when a student became pregnant and wanted to have an abortion.
Finally, Common Sense lost the will to live as the Ten Commandments became contraband; churches became businesses; and criminals received better treatment than their victims.
Common Sense finally gave up the ghost after a woman failed to realize that a steaming cup of coffee was hot, she spilled a bit in her lap, and was awarded a huge settlement.
Common Sense was preceded in death by his parents, Truth and Trust, his wife, Discretion; his daughter, Responsibility; and his son, Reason. He is survived by two stepbrothers; My Rights and Ima Whiner. Not many attended his funeral because so few realized he was gone. If you still remember him, pass this on; if not, join the majority and do nothing.
A biker, who worked on a horse farm, got pulled over by a state trooper for speeding. Since it was a rural road with no traffic, the biker tried to get the trooper to let him off with a warning. Instead, the trooper lectured the biker about speeding, and in generaly gave the biker a hard time.
Finally, the trooper got around to writing the ticket, and as he was doing that he kept swatting at some flies that were buzzing around his head.
The biker said, "Having some problems with Circle Flies ?" The trooper stopped writing the ticket and said--"Well yeah, if that's what they are--I never heard of Circle Flies." So the biker says--"Well, Circle Flies are common on farms. See, they're called Circle Flies because they're always found circling around the back end of a horse." The trooper says, "Oh," and goes back to writing the ticket.
After a minute he stops and says, "Hey - Are you trying to call me a horse's ass?" The biker says, "No officer. I have too much respect for cops to even think about calling you a horse's ass." The trooper says, "Well, that's a good thing," and goes back to writing the ticket.
As the trooper hands him the ticket, the biker says,"Hard to fool them flies though."
A woman went to the doctor's office where she was seen by one of the new doctors. After about 4 minutes in the examination room, she burst out, screaming as she ran down the hall.
An older doctor with many years experience stopped her and asked what the problem was, and she told him her story. After listening, he had her sit down and relax in another room.
The older doctor marched down the hallway to the back where the first doctor was and demanded, What's the matter with you? Mrs. Terry is 63 years old. She has four grown children and seven grandchildren, and you told her she was pregnant?"
The new doctor continued to write on his clipboard and without looking up said, "Does she still have the hiccups?"
A mouse looked through the
crack in the
wall to see the farmer and his wife open a package.
"What food might this contain?" The mouse wondered -
he was
devastated to discover it was a mousetrap.
Retreating to the farmyard,
the mouse
proclaimed the
"There is a mousetrap in the house!
There is a
mousetrap
The chicken clucked and scratched, raised her head and
said, "Mr.
Mouse, I can tell this is a grave concern to you
but it is of
no consequence to me.
I cannot be
bothered by it."
The mouse turned to the pig and told him,
"There is a mousetrap in the house!
There is a
mousetrap
The pig
sympathized, but said,
"I am so very
sorry, Mr. Mouse,
but there is
nothing I can do about it but pray.
Be assured
you are in my prayers."
The mouse turned to the cow and said,
"There is a mousetrap in the house!
There is a
mousetrap
The cow
said, "Wow, Mr. Mouse.
I'm sorry for
you,
but it's no
skin off my nose."
So, the mouse returned to the house, head down and dejected,
to face
the farmer's mousetrap-- alone.
That very night a sound was heard throughout the house --
like the
sound of a mousetrap catching its prey.
The farmer's wife rushed to see what was caught.
In the
whose tail
the trap had caught.
The snake bit the farmer's wife.
The farmer
rushed her
She returned
home with a fever.
Everyone knows you treat a fever with fresh chicken soup.
So the farmer
took his hatchet to the farmyard for the soup's
But his wife's sickness continued,
so friends
and neighbors came
To feed them,
the farmer butchered the pig.
The farmer's wife did not get well; she died.
So many
people came
The farmer
The mouse looked upon it all from his crack in the wall with great sadness.
So, the next time you hear someone is facing a problem
and think
it doesn't concern you,
when one of us is threatened,
We are all involved in this journey called life.
We must keep
an eye out
and
make an extra effort to encourage one another.
REMEMBER:
EACH OF US IS
A VITAL
THREAD IN
ANOTHER PERSON'S TAPESTRY;
OUR
LIVES ARE WOVEN TOGETHER FOR A REASON.
One of the best things to hold
onto in this world is a friend.
Two men were sitting next to each other at a bar.
After a while, one guy looks at the other and says, "I can't help but think, from listening to you, that you're from Ireland."
The other guy responds proudly, "Yes, that I am!"
The first guy says, "So am I! And where about from Ireland might you be?"
The other guy answers, "I'm from Dublin , I am."
The first guy responds, "Sure and begora, and so am I! And what street did you live on in Dublin ?"
The other guy says, "A lovely little area it was, I lived on McCleary Street in the old central part of town."
The first guy says, "Faith & it's a small world, so did I! So did I!! And to what school would you have been going?"
The other guy answers, "Well now, I went to St. Mary's of course."
The first guy gets really excited and says, "And so did I. Tell me, what year did you graduate?"
The other guy answers, "Well, now, let's see, I graduated in 1964."
The first guy exclaims, "The Good Lord must be smiling down upon us! I can hardly believe our good luck at winding up in the same bar tonight. Can you believe it, I graduated from St. Mary's in 1964 my own self."
About this time, Vicky walks into the bar, sits down, and orders a beer.
Brian, the bartender, walks over to Vicky, shaking his head & mutters, "It's going to be a long night tonight!!!!"
Vicky asks, "Why do you say that, Brian?"
"The Murphy twins are drunk again."
A
married couple was in a terrible accident and the man's face was
severely burned. The doctor told the husband that they couldn't graft
any skin from his body because he was too skinny.
So the wife offered to donate some of her own skin. However, the only
skin on her body that the doctor felt was suitable would have to come
from her buttocks. The husband and wife agreed that they would tell no
one about where the skin came from, and they requested that the doctor
also honor their secret. After all, this was a very delicate matter.
After the surgery was completed, everyone was astounded at the man's new
face. He looked more handsome than he ever had before! All his friends
and relatives just went on and on about his youthful beauty!
One day, he was alone with his wife, and he was overcome with emotion at
her sacrifice. He said, "Dear, I just want to thank you for everything
you did for me. How can I possibly repay you?"
My darling," she replied, "I get all the thanks I need every time I see
your mother kiss you on the cheek.
Lighter Moments for the Medical Staff
